POSTING #115

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Day Trips to the US

With the Canadian dollar above par with the US greenback, lots of Canadians are taking day trips to shopping malls across the border.

Here are a few stories about border crossing experiences.

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Last year we were waiting on the Rainbow Bridge in Niagara Falls  for our turn to be seen by American customs. We were stopped fairly far out on the bridge, over the water.

Suddenly, the processing of cars stopped. The green indicators above the previously 'open' lanes turned to red, and the customs officials left their booths to move among the waiting cars, obviously looking for something.

We asked an official what was going on. He said that a radiation detector had gone off and the bridge was in lock-down until the source had been discovered.

Now, the Rainbow Bridge is an engineering marvel with superb views of the Falls and the Niagara Gorge. It is also high---very high---above the Niagara River.

Pat and I don't have an abnormal fear of heights (let's just call it 'a healthy respect for heights) but we always breathe a little easier when we reach the other side and there is solid rock under us instead of rushing water.

Stuck out in the middle of the bridge, we have sometimes mused about what would happen if an earthquake hit. Then we try to remember what you are supposed to do if your car goes into the water. Are you supposed to roll the windows down, or up? Do you open the doors or keep them shut? 

But being told that a radiation detector had gone off, introduced a whole new level of scariness.

The worry part of the brain went into overdrive.

Just when we had reached the point of blaming each other for not having reminded the other to phone the lawyer to bring our wills up to date, the Customs processing started again.

When we finally got to the Customs booth, the official told us that the problem was that a person in one of the waiting cars had been undergoing medical tests involving the use of radioactive isotopes.

Imagine the sensitivity of the radiation detectors that they could pick up a few isotopes floating around in someone's blood stream!

Amazing!

And reassuring!

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We don't smuggle.

We declare everything---including, as Pat likes to say, replacement tubes of toothpaste we have bought on a trip.

It is not because we are people of superior moral character---we probably fit somewhere in the middle range of 'moralness'.

There are two reasons why we don't smuggle.

First, we are lousy liars.  If we tried to tell a whopper, our ears would go red, we would sweat, and our eyes would shift guiltily from side to side.

Second,  we are scared of what could happen if we are caught in a lie. People we know tried to smuggle some jeans into Canada and were told they couldn't bring anything into Canada for two years. We have heard of people having their cars confiscated.

So, we were shocked when, a few years, ago we went shopping with a couple in the US and the wife told us she wasn't going to declare the coat she had bought.

She had brought the bag with the coat into the restaurant where we were having lunch and started to remove the price tags.

"What are you doing/", we asked.

"I'll wear the coat. They'll never know."

We reminded her of our no-smuggling policy. Reluctantly, she put the coat back in the bag.

We were obviously no fun to go  border shopping with.

When we got to  Canadian Customs we did what we always do. When the officer asked for the value of the purchases, we gave him the total amount for everyone in the car---four, in this case---down to the last penny, with a sheaf of supporting bills in hand. The officer, in his turn, divided the total by four and deciding that the per-passenger cost wasn't material enough to bother with, waved us through.

The lesson here is that women going shopping in the US should always take at least one man with them.

Men don't shop!

The other fellow and I had bought a pair of socks and a belt between us.

The secret is, I believe, what investment experts refer to as 'averaging down'.

But a warning: this won't work if one of the men has his heart set on a leather jacket.

You better leave him at home, or convince him that he can do far better at the Bay!

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When we lived in Grimsby, an Ottawa couple came to visit us.

They set off one day, their plan being to drive along the Niagara Parkway all the way to Fort Erie and then return to Grimsby on the QEW.

They had a delightful trip along the Parkway but got confused with all the construction near the Peace Bridge. They got turned around somehow and found themselves heading for Buffalo and the US.

Desperately trying to figure out what they had done wrong, they missed the last exit before the bridge. They ended up in the Duty Free shop, which is on the Canadian side of the river, but inside the no-man's land.

They thought they could just turn around but an official told them they would have to go though Canadian Customs since they were now legally out of the country.

The conversation at the Canadian booth went something like this:

"When did you leave Canada?'

" We never left Canada!"

They explained what had happened.

" What did you purchase at the duty free shop?"

"We didn't buy anything, we just want to get back to Grimsby."

He grinned and welcomed them back to Canada.

And this wasn't a doddering old couple, they are two of the savviest people we know.

Just a warning. Until the construction is finished and the proper signage is installed, be careful of the Peace Bridge (the same warning should also apply to the constantly-under-construction Queenston-Lewiston Bridge).

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Once, crossing  the Peace Bridge in Buffalo we were behind a car of what seemed to be elderly people,  As we reached the American side, the driver slowed down and appeared to have trouble deciding which inspection lane to join.

He finally joined one line-up and we joined an adjacent one.

We watched as the car of elderly people worked its way to the front of the line. When it became their turn, the driver pulled under the inspection canopy, paused and then drove on, slowly, without waiting for the Customs Officer to ask any questions.

Lights and sirens went off as the car meandered in a confused sort of way, with officials running over trying to flag it down.

Our turn came and we had the absolutely briefest examination ever.

With his eyes following the unfolding drama, the Customs Officer asked, " Canadians?:

When we  said 'yes', he shouted, " Go ahead".

I have often thought that if an author were writing a novel about people trying to smuggle something into the US, he could have the smugglers follow a decoy car of elderly people.

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Some attractive teenage girls we know once decided to do some shopping in the US.

The US official asked them, "What is the purpose of the trip?'

The young and somewhat flighty driver responded,, "Just bored, I guess."

The official looked at her and her friends for a moment and then waved them over for a secondary examination.

The other girls, angry at the driver for her flip remark and anxious to start trying on shoes at the Shoe Factory Outlet, glared at her as they were led into an interview room.

The examining officer, a strict, by-the-book type with no sense of humour, decided that they should be returned to Canada.

They were escorted back to their car, but when they got in, it wouldn't start.

We understand it didn't take long for some young male officers to spot the attractive damsels in distress and to come to their aid.

After some good-natured flirting, the girls were soon on their way.

Back to Canada.

The shoe stores would have to wait for another time.

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See you on May 22nd for Posting #116 with more stories from our family’s universe! If you have comments or suggestions, please leave a comment at the bottom of this posting,  or email me at johnpathunter@gmail.com.

Tags: day trips to the US, Queenston-Lewiston Bridge, Rainbow Bridge, Peace Bridge